short post because short thoughts
i’m in a weird position. i seem to have found myself caught somewhere between the thought of detransitioning or continuing my transition. not because of anything serious. like at the end of the day, i’m still trans but i feel like i just have to play dress-up for a little bit (until i get back on HRT), you know. since i’ve been off of T for like 3-5 months, i find myself needing to be at one end of the gender binary. don’t get me wrong, i love to girl-boy it or boy-girl it but at where i’m at right now, it just makes me extremely dysphoric. and i’m not either side of the binary, to be clear, i just feel like picking one would make me feel better.
if i choose the girl end, it’s like i’m just playing into my feminity and playing dress-up for a bit. i think it would make me less dysphoric because i get “she/her”‘d anyhow, so by outwardly presenting fem it wouldn’t be so out of the blue if it continued to happen. like i’d just be playing the part that everyone already sees me as. i think i’d use mostly as a cope to make being misgendered hurt a bit less. plus, i’m a feminine person anyway, it wouldn’t be hard.
if i choose the boy end, i would overall feel more comfortable on that end of the spectrum, but i’d be portraying something i’m not. i’d lose my feminity which puts me a bit on edge but it’s not that deep. on the bright side, i’d be gendered more correctly. only, i don’t really know how to go full-swing that way. i don’t know what to do to make myself appear more masculine and perceived as a boy fully. i don’t think it’d be a convincing act, but it would be better than nothing.
or i could stay hermaphroditic…. which i don’t want to do. it makes me feel like a farce, and makes me uncomfortable. i love my androgyny though, just off of hormones i tend to like it less lol. idk my brain is all over the place.
A short letter at the end of a short post:
In your absence, I drown myself in a sea of bodies, searching for a morsel of resemblance to how you once made me feel. Please don’t hate me; I’m trying to cope the best way I know how. It feels like cheating, but you never claimed me as yours, so how can it be? I can’t help but think you might do the same. The difference between you and me, however, is that I’m searching for you in every pair of lips that touch mine. I don’t think you look for me.