Hey chat, once again, it’s been a while. what’s everyone been up to? I think in a capitalist sense, I’ve been up to nothing, but in a self-journey, experiencing life and all its wonders sense, I’ve been doing a lot. I’ve been meeting cool people, meditating on life lessons and how to keep moving forward with those, and just taking a lot of time for myself and my friends. It’s been really nice but I’m severely lacking in grad school right now. I have overdue assignments and very low grades, shit is kinda embarrassing to talk about. I probably should’ve taken a gap year because of burnout and blah blah but here I am. I really should be taking my focus meds a lot more than I am right now. My attention span is 5 minutes max right now. I can’t even watch a Youtube movie/video game analysis right now. I need to lock the fuck inn.
School aside, life has been really nice. I went to church on the first of the month like I promised my grandmother, and that was weirdly fulfilling. Not really the church part but more like I guess just being with family. It felt really good. Oh, and I met some really cool people this weekend in Atlanta at a rave. Shit was gas. One of those people in particular has especially stuck with me, and I don’t know if I should even put this into writing because of the feeling I have behind it. Like I meet cool people all the time, and I’m like “That was nice, hope they have a good life” because I don’t gain any attachment to these people just because I spent a few hours with them at a party. But this person omg bro. They’re an Aquarius which might not matter to a lot of you and they’re vibe is just so dope. It’s funny, when I talk to them it feels like we’ve known each other for so long. I just wanna keep talking to them literally about anything. I find reasons to keep the conversation going or to start it up again and I just wanna know about them. Which is so scary to me right now.
I just really like this person a lot. I’m smiling as I write this because I really do and at the moment it’s very platonic but I’m very scared those feelings could develop into something more than platonic. Just because of the rate at which how quickly I clicked with this person and the way they make me feel. I’m so excited to talk to them and at the chance of meeting them again. Which as hard as this is for me, I think it’s best if we don’t meet again. I think that’s the responsible thing to do to keep my feelings in check and the way I behave. I think in order to ensure I don’t develop any of the feelings I’m scared of, I should limit the amount we talk and hang out and that feels so hard when I’m literally anticipating a message from them now. I believe with the way we clicked we would be great, amazing friends and I love that and that’s what I want. Maybe just because it’s so new and so intense for me, I’m afraid I can’t differentiate between platonic and romantic feelings right now. The more I write the more I feel better about my true intentions being platonic though.
I just generally feel guilty for thinking this way because this isn’t how monogamous people think or should think. I shouldn’t be having to determine whether this new connection I have is platonic or romantic in my eyes. I think that’s wrong and I feel very disgusted with myself. In my past relationships, having crushes has typically been a normal thing but those dynamics were different than the one I’m in now. This is strict monogamy, so if it ends up happening that way, I’m not sure I’m allowed to have a crush. And what happens if I do? Do I tell my partner? Do I keep it a secret? Do I stop talking to this person that I have a crush on? And by crush, I simply mean just like a crush with no active behaviors behind it. Just plainly crushing on somebody, no flirting, no advances…. a crush. I don’t know if that’s my weird way of trying to justify having a crush, but that’s just how I would define any crushes I’ve had. They’re just there.
I don’t want to feel like a bad partner or make my partner feel like they aren’t enough, but I just don’t know the right way to handle this. For now, I’ll proceed as normal, of course, I’ll keep myself in check and the way I speak to this person in check. As for telling my partner, I don’t think I will. I know they don’t read my blog so I’m not very worried of them finding out here but also I’m not very keen on hiding it either. I just don’t want to give them information that could possibly hurt them especially when the threat is non-existent. I don’t at all intend to pursue anything even if these feelings were to rise up, I think then I would come to them about what I’m thinking. I don’t know if that’s the right thing to do but I’d hate to accidentally do the wrong thing, so I keep my mouth shut and be kind. I don’t know if those of you who have been in relationships/ are in have felt this way or your partner has felt this way but let me know in the comments. I feel like I need a perspective different from my own on this one.
I’m almost done writing for this one, but after writing this paragraph I feel like I will tell my partner… I think I should be able to trust them with this and they trust me to tell them. Though there’s not necessarily anything going, I’d like to express my concerns about it all. And I hope it goes well. Wish me luck, boypuppy.