FDOC
unrelated to the actual post, but i started my first day of classes today! first day of grad school. i never thought i would make it here. in fact, i doubted myself every step of the way it took to get here, but overall i’m really proud of myself. every step that i took, decision that i made, got me here, and i did that, no one else. so i gotta remind of that constantly and even if i haven’t put my best forward in the past, i promise to myself that I’ll do it in the future because there is so obviously some force in the universe that it rooting for me to succeed. so cheers to no more flailing upwards but rather doing better to do the things i need to do to secure a good future for myself. now… onto the actual post, i’m thinking about coming out to my parents.
what could go wrong….
- i am ridiculed for taking so long to tell them.
- all my (mental) issues are dismissed and immediately blamed on me diy-ing my transition.
- they hate me and mourn the loss of a daughter they never had.
2/3 of those reasons are rightfully justified the last one is just a fear i have. when i came out to them as gay, they were both very upset that i “lied” to them for so long. they were upset without realizing or really caring why i might’ve lied and solely focused on the fact that i did lie. which i don’t really understand. they’re not really the type of parents that own up to their wrong-doings or problems they might have as a parent. instead, i’ve always been the problem. “mother knows best” type shit.
lately, my mom has been questioning my mental stability in terms of whether i’ve been taking multi-vitamins or taking my birth control (which she doesn’t know that i’ve been off of for a little over a year now). and maybe she’s right. maybe i don’t need antidepressants and antipsychotics, and instead just something to regulate my hormones and to fix an unnoticed vitamin deficiency, but it all feels so invalidating. invalidating to my experiences and my emotions. like i simply don’t believe that a vitamin deficiency can make my brain so out of wack… all the time. the hormone part i can believe, i mean, did you know that testosterone can induce fits of mania? but the thing is… i haven’t been on T all summer. so what else would induce hypo-manic episodes in my case? i don’t really know. knowing my mother though, i know she would cling onto this and essentially use it to dismiss any real problems i might have.
my last bullet point, i think ever since i was very young, my mom always tried to make me something i’m not. use me as a little doll to play dress up with. i mean, she’s been mourning the daughter she’s never had since i started resisting whatever agenda she was trying to push on me. she’s always wished i was someone different. always comparing me to my girl-cousins and her friends’ daughters and random young women she has interactions with. she doesn’t realize i’m not my girl-cousins, but i’m boy-puppy. so, i think this would definitely be the straw to break the camels back. i don’to mention my dad a lot in this post because i honestly can’t really predict how he will act. i don’t talk to him a lot, i don’t know much about him really, and he doesn’t really know me. of course, neither of my parents do given the circumstances, but my other has a much better gauge on i guess the “real me.”
i don’t know, shit’s just hard. like how would i even say it?? “mom, dad, i’m trans”, “dad, mom, i’m a boy.” like what???? that shit is so cringe lol. i’d rather die. i don’t think i’ve ever formally come out to somebody as like… trans. it’s just been a thing that i am, a part of me. i came to college, i changed my pronouns, changed my name and that was it. so the thought of having to say it.. aloud… is really… i don’t know. it’s unexplored territory for me. it’s not like i have a problem telling anyone i’m trans or being trans or anything. i love myself (for the most part) and i love being trans. it’s just weird to sit down and have a conversation about it, i guess.
sometimes i wish that one of my opps would rat me out to my parents. you know, like someone that might wanna get a lick-back at me or they’re really angry with me and want to hurt me. but in reality, they wouldn’t be hurting me. i think they would actually help me out a little bit. say things i’m too much a bitch to say or don’t really know how to say. so any ex’s or ex-friends, if you’re reading this, go-on and out to me to my parents. that would definitely make me really sad and hurt my feelings a lot. i might even kill myself about it if that’s your preferred outcome. ian gonna put there numbers or email on here for obvious reasons but look em up on facebook or something. ya’ll got enough information on me to find my parents, i believe in you. please….
it’s just as the days go on, i think about it more and more. i don’t know why. maybe it’s because like anyone, of course, i would want my parents to know the real me. of course, i’d like to stop hiding in front of the two people i’m supposed to be myself around. who wouldn’t want that? I’ll keep thinking about it though, until the thoughts become too much, until their questions become too much and maybe one day it’ll all just boil over and spill out. i can’t wait for that day because right now, i don’t have the guts to do it.