offensive sex

i think the term “sex offender” is a little funny… you know. not in the sense that being a sex offender is funny in any way unless you got on the list by pissing outside or something. which still isn’t funny because now your whole life is fucked because you pissed outside. but… just the term, when you think about it, it’s calling you out for offending people with the sex that you’re having. like its saying “the sex you have is offensive to others.” and i just think that is such a funny thing. because wtf is someone doing to offend others sexually. as if sex wasn’t offensive enough. especially public sex. like… it’s one thing to be offended by public sex because you’re outside minding your business and all the sudden *BOOM* dick n balls in your eyeline. its fucked up.

personally, what’s more offensive to me is there was never an invite. how are you gonna have public sex and gatekeep who can and can’t join? bitch you’re the one that brought it outside for everyone to see, now you’re offended that i’m offended that your offensive sex wasn’t open invite. anyways… realistically, jokes aside, i understand most sex offenders aren’t on the list for public sex but rather much more heinous acts.

now that I’ve said that, i’m writing this post because i might’ve had offensive sex. “might’ve”, i did. and it possibly could’ve happened in a large entertainment center with many entertainment rooms and over-priced concessions. there’s also the likelihood that my party had snuck in a BeatBox™ into one of the entertainment rooms via my comically large short’ pockets. i also snuck in a burrito through my shorts too. which is insane that i had to sneak in either of those things because we had originally planned to go to chipotle, stuff our food in a backpack, then eat it at the theatre. tell me why they had a security guard posted up at the entrance checking bags. which we later looked up, that they’re not allowed to do that. but i digress. security checked our bag, we got caught, and had to go back to the car and this is when i came up with the genius idea to put my burrito and beatbox in my large shorts which worked out perfectly. my partner in crime, on the other hand, was wearing a skirt and got a burrito bowl which is much harder to stuff into inconspicuous places. i offered to shovel the contents of her bowl into her “prison purse” which she quickly (almost disgusted at my suggestion) declined. forbid a boy try to help a girl.

i’m not going to say what we went there to watch for…. anonymity purposes (i just don’t want to say). long story short, i’m sure you can piece together all the components of what led to offensive sex: the beatbox (culprit 1), the skirt (culprit 2), and….. there is no culprit 3, that’s all it took. which idk if that’s real asf or shameful asf that two people can have such little self control. ACTUALLY, i had self control for most of our viewing session but you know…. testosterone is one hell of a drug (that’s culprit 3).

obviously no one found out or this post would be called “banned from ***” or whatever. but idk, i just thought this was something fun to write about it. romanticize life and all. romanticizing crimes. don’t you think its crazy the government found a way to criminalize sex. granted most people on the sex offender registry very much deserve to be there, but not because they had sex, because they’re filthy human beings that assault people. so this is my call to action, look up a sex offender in your area today and go stab a pedophile. dead offenders can’t re-offend.