i believe ezekiel is the sole reason i’m quitting vaping. it’s such a silly reason too, its just because no matter what she’s doing when we’re alone and i hit my vape she gives me a dirty look. istg its everytime or at least feels like it. i think she’s so done w me she knows when I’m about to hit it. we were on a drive last night because i’m trying to get her used to going on car rides and being outside because my kitty is about to be some chronically inside whimp that’s afraid of the world. anyways, she was sleeping in my lap and i reach over to the cupholder for my vape and she woke and was just looking at. mind you, once this kitty is alseep, its not an easy feat to get her to open her eyes. so I’m looking down at her and she’s looking up at me with squinted eyes and i just feel this intense desire to just…. stop. like, i don’t know what was about that look in specific that made me wanna stop but it just felt like she was trying to tell me something. which is so ridiculous because…. she’s a kitten. she’s a literal fucking baby, what does she know, she doesn’t even know what a vape is.
i feel like something can be said about me getting this cat and how quitting vaping, while breaking a cycle itself, is representative of me breaking other toxic cycles as well. but i don’t know how to write about that. i can say, i’m happy i have her in my life. even though she can be a pain in my ass, running across my laptop as i type this and getting up on the counter… oh. for a while, she’s been trying to figure out how to jump from my couch to the counter and just yesterday, she finally big enough or smart enough or brave enough to figure it out and has been wreaking havoc in my kitchen since then. i don’t know how to stop her from doing it, she’s not scared of much so i don’t know how to deter her at all. like i get that she just wants to be close to me and all and that’s why she gets up there, but…. she cant be up there simply. my fault for the weird tangent, she’s just my entire life so.
breaking cycles….. i don’t know what it is about this cat that helps me do that. maybe it’s the fact that she has completely changed the way i will life for as long as we’re both alive. i think this is the biggest change I’ve had in my life in the past 4 years aside from…… the incident of ’23. but i think this is different because i have a whole other organism depending on me now. so if i don’t have my shit together, she suffers and i’d rather kill myself than let that happen. like she’s literally my fucking KIDDDDDD. i’d do anything for her even though she’s such a little asshole 85% of the time. the other 15% make it all worth it. hm, not even really realizing this but i think what also helps a lot is i just broke a 4 year cycle with an ex-friend. i haven’t had much of an outlet to talk about it, so for now, this blog will be an excuse for me to do that.
it seems that everytime i have romantic breakup, i have a platonic breakup as well. which always serves to benefit me in ways that i couldn’t have brought myself to think of before. i think the friendship breakup opened my eyes to a lot of things and behaviors that enabled me to stay in this repetitive toxic cycles. and that’s not me trying to shift the blame on anyone else on why I’ve been stuck in this cycles for so long. but it’s just an observation. i think the two of together, we were big time enablers for each other that make it hard to grow as people in a positive way. of course it hurts, even still 3 months later. it’s funny how the things that are good for in life, always fucking hurt. it’s never an easy decision, which is what makes it hard for me i think to even get out of this cycles to begin with. making the good decision isn’t immediately rewarding like making the bad decision is. and i’m a fucking sucker for instant gratification. i’m trying to learn not to be…. so i can make more good decisions. i think if i make enough good decisions, I’ll start to feel like good person. i hope so. i just had a thought; about how having bipolar is kinda an endless cycle of highs and lows, good days and bad days, so maybe… ultimately, that’s the cycle i’m trying to break. or its the main cyclical mechanism keeping me from breaking out of the tinier cycles that i have going for me like vaping. idk if that’s something. it might be nothing, might be something i’m making up to make myself feel better about being stagnant for so long. i don’t fucking know, i’m just a boypuppy.