I’ve picked up this thing where I’ve been imagining people as who they might’ve been as children. Like literally everyone, my professors, my peers, my friends, people i walk past on the street. Just anyone and everyone. I see their face and I can’t help but to look down and imagine them tiny. Before any traumas they might have experienced, before they learned lessons about people and the world, before they were really themselves.
When I say ‘imagining people as children’, i mean anywhere from birth until about 12 years old. When most people are just a ball of clay yet to be molded and put into the oven to set. It depends on the person and how much I know about them how for my brain to pick which age to think about them at. With strangers, I often imagine them as infants, being cradled by their mother, what their cries sounded like, if they were calm or fussy, bald or had hair, C-section or vaginal. That last part isn’t real, I don’t think that far into someone’s birth, that’s a bit too graphic for me. But! For people I know better, I’ll imagine them at birth and at other stages of their life.
I think, I think, I think. Who were they at 4? Who’d they change to at 8? What parts of that child can I see in them now? Were they an outdoor kid? What were their favorite games? What was their favorite phrase they heard that one time and didn’t stop repeating for months? Did they hit an early growth spurt and how did that affect them? How did they deal with disappointment, or more so how did their parents teach them to? What clothes did they wear? Were they ever bullied? Were they ever the bully at some point? What things did they promise to their younger self to never reveal to anyone else? What was their childhood friend group like? Did they have a childhood friend group? How much freedom were they allowed? How much internet access did they have? Actually that one is an easy one, you can very obviously tell how much internet access someone had as a kid.
But idk, I guess all in all, I’m on a quest to get to know other deeply. What made them into who they are now? And there’s no better way to do that than from starting at square 1. I want to know what happened when you were 6 that made you averse to loud noises and why you seek comfort in food and why you operate the way you operate. Why is it not the same as I operate? What series of events led to us being so different yet so alike or so alike yet so different? I want to know how your trigger developed, why they developed. I want to know who you ran to when you were upset beyond words. Because I feel like if I know all these things, I can be a better friend and I can aid you better in this world. I just have this desire to see people at their baseline.
I want to say more about this, but I’m not that good of a writer and I’m not quite sure if any of this makes sense to anyone but me. My vocabulary is limited and my thoughts are all over the place. I just want to know people. But… in contrast, I’m not sure if I want someone to know me like that. That’s kinda what this blog was supposed to be about and is, a way to get to know myself better, but I have trouble. People tell me that they read my blog and they shouldn’t do that. It makes me wanna hide away and not write anything even though I’ve only received praise about this blog. I want to write about my experiences and what I learn and what I find funny, what I find weird, but I remember there’s an audience I’m speaking to. And some people a part of my experiences are also the ones that occasionally read my slop, so how do I speak freely? Yes, I leave out names and locations and genders, but cmon…. you know when a story is written about you. What would those people think if they knew how I viewed the situation? Would they reject my narrative, would they reject me?
This is my first post in a while. And it’s not because of school or work or some bullshit excuse. It’s because I’m scared. I’m scared to be honest with myself but mostly with other people. My honesty can always be rejected and typically is. I don’t think I think like other people and it can be upsetting to some I feel. As a recovering people pleaser, this blog is my worst fear but my biggest saving grace. I feel, though, that I might’ve tainted it by sharing it with other people. And yesss, I could get a fucking journal but where’s the fun in that. I already spent like $90 on and an endless amount of hours making my blog so I’m gonna use it. Who’s to say this can’t be my journal? Musicians have their music and I have my blog.
For anyone who does read, I’d love it if yall left a fond (or not-so-fond) childhood experience down in the comments. On my quest to know others, I’d like to know my readers too. Anyway, it’s been a pleasure as always, boypuppy.
One response to “Imagining You Without Your Character Development On”
Hi friend. I’ll leave two experiences for ya- one fond and one not so fond. Let’s start with the not so fond- In 5th grade, I went to a church camp that ended its final night with a talent show. I, proud of my exquisite talents, signed up for the show and prepared for my moment to shine. My moment, you may be wondering, included making balloon animals as What a Wonderful World played in the background. As my moment was happening, I looked into an audience of unamused faces blankly look at me, my hands, my balloons. I felt my face get hot and all I wanted to do was leave. So I finished the flowers I was working on, handed them to a girl in the front row and promptly walked right out of the sanctuary to have a little cry. Now for the fond memory. For a spanish project, I went over to my friend’s house to make tres leches cake together. We had hung out a lot outside of school and ofc in school, but it felt so different this time. Something clicked. A level of comfort. A degree of familiarity. I’m not sure. But something clicked and I remember feeling like I had unlocked a new level of friendship. It was a really good day.