my father is real piece of fucking work. this might be trauma dumpy, this might be dramatic, but i really don’t give a fuck. i hope he dies and i never have to spend another moment on the same planet as this dumb fuck.
to catch ya’ll up to speed, I’ve blocked my father. our last phone call was Saturday where he told me to “shut the fuck up” and then proceeded to screen at least 20 of my call after that. since he wants me to “shut the fuck up” so badly, he doesn’t have to hear from me ever again if that’s the case. i just…. what fucking block head speaks to their kid like that. i sent him a message after, to sum it up, saying if he wants to continue to have contact with me, he needs to apologize. which you would think is simple enough, yet he hasn’t done it and its… monday?
to put things into perspective, I’ve hated this man for as long as i can remember. at this point he’s nothing but a wallet to me and that’s all he needs to be. he’s never given me anything other than money. nothing. if i were to ask him right now what he has provided me that’s not linked to monetary needs or whatever, he’d come up with nothing. he’s financially and physically abusive to say the least. and i’m not talking about, “oh, he used to spank me when i was little.” which he did and is still nevertheless traumatic; he has picked me up by my collar and slammed me against a wall, he’s thrown me, he’s hit with much more force than needed considering he’s a big army man and I’m just shy of 120 pounds.
i’ve never hit this man. not once, though I’ve wanted to so badly before. i’ve dreamt of having the opportunity for when he ever raises another finger to me, to be able to pull a knife and stab him in the shoulder or the stomach or anywhere that would hurt him, show him that i’m serious and that enough is enough, but not kill him. though i wont say i haven’t thought about killing him. i can’t say that given the chance i wouldn’t take it. i’d be free, i’d feel free, from his oppressive ass aura. for all his belongings to be mine and no longer have to worry about having every cent waved over my head everytime i do something “disrespectful”.
being an only child is the worst. granted i have a sister and had a brother, i was raised alone. my mom’s only kid, my father’s third. god this feels it feels so childish to say, but i mean it. being on only child, at least in my household feels like the world is against you. i have no one on my side, at least emotionally. no one to see things from my perspective. i just have two old heads surrounding me thinking time and time again that they know better than me. which at times they do because of course they are my parents and i can still learn from them; my mother at least. i can’t be right all the time though i would love if i was lol. but i just feel like if i had a sibling, someone my age that could understand where i’m coming from, things would be different. unfortunately, i cant’t change the reality of my situation and i must deal with the cards i’ve been dealt. that’s what i feel like my brother was to me and everyday i regret not talking to him more. not taking on the opportunities to connect with him like i should have and to be good family to him. i was so stupid, i was really fucking stupid in that decision. i always thought he’d be here so everytime i’d tell myself, “next time, I’ll call him; next time, I’ll go see him; next time, next time, next time, next time.” then one day, i ran out of next times…. and i don’t know how to live with that guilt. and i wish so badly things were different, but this is my reality.
now, i’m stuck in this weird state with my father. where i don’t know how to talk to him, i don’t really think he know how to talk to me either. our phone calls are brief never really anything of substance unless he’s yapping about finances. which the only thing he talks about with me. our conversations feel like he’s just crossing his T’s and dotting his I’s. when he asks how i’m doing, i don’t feel like he really cares. he’s just getting the formalities out of the way so he can talk about what he really wants to, which is, more likely than not, money.
i see other people’s relationship with their fathers and i’m so envious. an envy that hurts. i see people with all the things i wish i had. i don’t want to seem ungrateful but money can only get you so far in life. I’m grateful for the financial support i have in my life but don’t you think a child needs more than that from their father? i mean for christ’s sake, i cant even get an apology out of the man. how do you think that shapes a person? it can’t be positive. my favorite comfort show, Steven Universe, i can’t even watch because the main character has a good relationship with his father. i’m envious of even a fucking cartoon character. i wish so badly he was different, but this is my reality.
i can’t talk to my mom about it. for whatever reason she doesn’t get it. i wish they had divorced a long time ago and i could just be with my mom. our relationship isn’t perfect either, but she’s offered me so much more than he ever could. we actually talk, she’s there for me as a parent should be. on a less selfish note, i wish they had divorced for her sake too. as you can imagine from the things i’ve said, he’s not the greatest husband in the world either. i can only begin to think the anguish he’s put my mother through. i mean as a child, i imagine i only saw a small glimpse with the yelling and the arguing and all. but he’s hit her too, i’ve only seen it once but i can imagine it’s definitely happened more than the one occasion. i mean if you’re brave enough to do it in front of your kid, then in private when no one is watching…. whose to say what’s happening.
she, my mother, tells me to accept him for who he is but why should i? if were complete strangers, unrelated, and i saw this man on the street and we had an interaction, nothing would change about the way i view him. he’s still arrogant, he’s still egostical, he’s still rude, he’s still someone i don’t like. i don’t know if its fair to say that i hate him, but certainly don’t like him. for a fact, i can say i don’t love him. i want nothing to do with him.
how do you get across to someone that the way that they are is hurting you? i’ve tried and i cant find a way to do it. i’ve tried so many times. the only time our relationship is good is when i shut up and roll over and let him say and do whatever he’d like. because it’s his world and we’re all just living in it. when i follow orders like a good little soldier we’re good. at times, i don’t believe he wanted a child, he wanted something to control and that would follow orders. now that i don’t do that for him, what am i?
it doesn’t seem like he cares about loosing another child. which you know, i can commend him that much for letting me make my own decision on this. but still, he doesn’t care or at least acts like he doesn’t. all it takes is five seconds of humility, fuck not even that, just humbleness, to apologize. and he can’t even do that…. he can’t even do that. so, i think that shows to me everything i needed to see. for his ego is too important to him to ever concede and say he was wrong. i just… i’m at the point where i have no words for him and that’s how i know i’m done here.
blah blah blah, daddy issues right? idk….
i just wish things were different so badly, but this is my reality. and it hurts. it hurts so bad, i wish he was dead so i wouldn’t have to feel this anymore. i’m certain that would fix my issues. i’m certain. its a slap in the face everytime my mother says she knows he loves me. because where is it? i don’t see it, i certainly can’t feel it, so where is it? is it some abstract concept that my brain can’t yet wrap it’s head around because i’m so tired of waiting to feel this love she talks about. love isn’t abusive, i know that much. someone who has physically hurt you, can’t love you. and i stand firmly in that thought. you don’t intentionally hurt people you love. and for that reason, i can’t sit here and say that he loves me. if it were to be someone other than my dad, would she say the same things? if it were say a boyfriend, provides everything i need financially but yells and gets irrationally angry to the put of putting his hands on me, would she say they same thing? i can tell you for a fact she wouldn’t. so if i wouldn’t put up with this shit from anyone else, why would i subject myself to same treatment from my father? it doesn’t add up and it doesn’t make sense, and for the life of me i can’t figure out in her mind how it makes sense either.
i’m done here, i’m done with him.