it was a warm, summer night when boypuppy came to the realization…..
” i don’t wanna be a slut anymore” and i’m not quite sure why, i just know i’m bored of this. i’m bored of being known as a slut, i’m bored of being called a slut, i’m bored of engaging in slutivities. it’s simply just not me anymore.
i don’t desire people in my dm’s trying to get at me. i past that. maybe 2 years ago, shit even a year ago, i would’ve ate that right tf up. but last night, i was laying in bed wide awake and just thinking….
my sex drive is the lowest its been in years, blame it on meds, blame it on age, but idk why. yet, in a weird juxtaposition, i have the most people that ever wanted to sleep with me in years as well. should i feel admired? desired? an ego boost? all those things i think i should feel, i just don’t.
instead, i feel…. even more turned off by it. like I’m not into at all, and for a few years i thought that this is why i wanted but now that i have it, in such a large quantity at that, i’m annoyed maybe even a little disgusted by it. and don’t get me wrong, i love a good compliment as much as the next person but this sexual gratification I’ve been seeking….. it’s not what i truly want, i’m realizing that now.
Grass!!
changing my text pattern, hope yall don’t mind. but as i was saying. you ever get something that you’ve dreamt of and once you get it, you don’t want it?? that’s higkey what i’m experiencing. and i’ve been trying to wrap my mind around why its not what i want. why have i sought sexual gratification from strangers for so long? and once i get it, why is it not enough? why do i hate it? well… i guess because i never wanted it in the first place. maybe its what i thought i wanted, what i though i needed to feel….. idk. desirable? attractive? liked? its that one… it’s liked.
since i was young, i think i always wanted to fit in and be liked. i mean, growing up military and moving every two years of your life isn’t easy for a kid. i think, for everyone, as a kid, you want to fit in. you don’t want to be the odd ball of the group and get picked on, so you want people to like you. to keep from being bullied. i couldn’t do that, so my ass got bullied LOL. always the odd one out, always the one getting picked on, the one shoved in lockers, the one with the awkward early growth spurt that made me tower over my peers and be laughed at. i wanted to be like the cool kids so bad. which this all seems so fucking dumb and childish, like “wow you got bullied, so did 80% of the population, ur not fucking special. ur trauma is not unique” so.. I’ll write two more sentences about this then shut the fuck up. but moving every two years as a child, it’s really hard to build and maintain friendships as you could imagine. so every place i moved, i was alone; no one to stick up for me when i couldn’t’; no one to call my friend when everyone at school thought i was weird.
but then i got older, i went to highschool, i made friends that stuck around for more than two years, i went to college and made more; lost some too. i think college is what really changed things for me. that’s the time of my life that i realized, i’m attractive and people are attracted to me. and due to that, i was getting attention in a way i had never before, and it felt good. it felt really fucking good. the attention that is, the sex i could’ve done without. so, i suppose i ran with that thought and went full nosedive into it. at some point in that time period, i equated my worth to my sex and being sexually desired. and through that, over a couple of years, i seemed to have racked the title of “slut” via exhibiting behaviors to gain more sexual gratification. looking back, i’m not proud. i thought that was cool or what made me cool, but there are so many other things to me that make me cool. like i have a blog.
i think growing up and coming to terms with this, which i still am, i’m trying to fix the damage i’ve done to myself with that type of thinking. in those years, i lost a lot of my hobbies, so now i’m trying to pick them back up. do more things i enjoy, not what i think other people expect me to enjoy. i don’t wanna be a slut anymore. i wanna be boypuppy. whatever that means, I’ll figure it out in time again.
weird little segway, but i want to talk about so i will. it’s my blog after all. i think this need for sexual gratification got me into relationships that i either wasn’t particularly ready for, needed, or necessarily deep down wanted. in my past relationships, i’ve noticed a pattern where i’m never initiating the start of a romantic relationship, in fact, I’m rather reluctant to. yet, i always end up in a relationship… somehow. i was actually talking with one of my exes just recently and they said something that took me a back at first and even offended me. they said that they didn’t think throughout the relationship that i didn’t like them nearly as much as i liked a previous ex. i had to sit and think on that which i know sounds terrible, but i did. i’m still thinking about it, but i’ve come to a very early conclusion that maybe they were right but they were also so wrong. that previous ex that they speak of offered me the biggest hit of sexual gratification i had ever gotten. you know. all that i was looking for; the validation; the gratification; the love that i thought i needed. and maybe i got that last part, sure, but it was nothing compared to the rush of being desired. i didn’t feel that with them, and i thought they were coming up short. over and over again, it felt like they weren’t enough for me and we could never be. but i stayed in the relationship why?? like a fucking junkie (idk if that’s offensive), is stayed searching for that same high. and it just never came, and i blamed them for it which i can say now was so fucking unfair and extremely rotten of me, but i did. rather subconsciously at that. that last conversation i had with my ex, however hurtful because they were kind of dick to me but well deserved, was really eye opening.
and on a quick side note, the last thing they said to me was utter bullshit and if i had listened to them would’ve set me back another two years. i’m telling yall bc this is my blog and i talk about what i want but also as some advice that took me a long time to learn. they said to me something along the lines of “you’ve forgiven yourself more than i’ve forgiven you.” and, it’s true. and i don’t give a fuck that it is true. they said it as if it was something i should have been ashamed of, but i’ve learned forgiveness is one of the best things you can do for yourself. otherwise, you’re wallowing in guilt and shame and i can tell you first hand that shit doesn’t get you anywhere in terms of personal growth or making it up to those you’ve hurt, even if it was yourself. you gotta be able to forgive yourself for shit you’ve done, even if others won’t. you don’t need them to forgive you, stop seeking validation from others. i’m not saying don’t give a fuck that you’ve hurt someone. absolutely give a fuck, own up to what you did and use that to make a change for the better. i’ve actually been watching Breaking Bad and as cliche as it is, i heard a quote that perfectly resonated with me and my sentiment. “Self-hatred, guilt, it accomplishes nothing. It just stands in the way. [Stand in the way of what?] True change.” .
anywho, enough of that B.S. actually… a little more lol. i’ve found someone that i believe i truly like. i’m not seeking anything from them, i’m not in search of my next gratification high with them, but i’m scared to say whether that’s the truth or not. i believe its the truth because of how i feel now, which is, i don’t wanna be a slut anymore, and truly for the first time in like four years i believe myself when i say that. and i can’t trust everything i say because i’m like a unreliable narrator to myself, but this, this i truly believe. i won’t go too much into in this post, because its not about this, but i cant stop thinking about it. i really do truly like them, against what a friend of mine may think. i’m making good decisions because of this person, i’m taking my time, and unfortunately i’m realizing in order for me to be the partner i need to be this person, i cant be with them. not right now at least, which idk if you guys have ever had a right person, wrong time situation but that shit HURTSSSSS OMG ITS HURTS. i haven’t felt this type of heart-pain since i had my first wlw breakup and for all the lesbians out there, you know how bad that shit hurts. shit sucks fr. anywho…..
i dont want to be a slut anymore. for more reason than one. i wanna be boypuppy.
2 responses to “i dont want to be a slut anymore…”
maybe you’re finding validation in yourself and so you don’t need as much from others that you did before
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