7:51pm june 28th, 2024
hey..... idk i'm just typing. making a first post, idk this is nerve racking hehehe. this feels very self-masturbatory not in a hot sexy way but in a jerrod carmichael way which is kinda uncomfortable but also... so real. and i think i'm ready to be real. i think i need to start being real LKSDFJHAS with myself and with others. so i suppose this is a good start.
this is me writing my first post, im listening to my spotify discover weekly my cat is in my lap taking a nap. her name is ezekiel (zeke if u pls) and god, i don't think i've ever loved something more than this little kitten snoozing, sprawled out, on my thigh. i'm gonna love her forever. which i think is exactly what i needed in my life, something to love forever... which now that i say it out loud sounds very selfish. but what is human nature if not naturally selfish.. idk. i don't feel selfish when i love her, i feel.. love lol. but who knows, maybe my sense of love is really fucked up so.
i think i love really obsessively, which might be selfish but i swear to god there's no other way i know how. its all or nothing. and it's a loving you remember forever.... good or bad. and now, so selfishly, i've gotten this little kitten that really has no choice but to love me the way i love her. obsessively, needingly, loving like her life depends on it. which ig her's does in some sense, she relies on me for food and shelter and water and toys and a person to bother when she's bored. i, on the other hand, love her like my life depends on it but... because i want to i guess or because its the only way i know how or because thats what love is. but who the fuck knows what love is really, yall ever get tired of trying to wrap your mind around abstract concepts..
sometimes i wish we were still like cavemen, then so many things wouldn't matter. because you know how they say (they being scientists ig) as a society progresses, their needs change or whatever. so if you've know of maslow's hierarchy of needs, thats what im referring to. like back in cavemen times, they were so busy trying to survive and reproduce, there's not much time to think about anything else like... math and gender. god what i would give to not think about my gender for a day, but that's probably a blog post for another day. i'm just saying wouldn't it be so nice to not have the capacity or the time to think about such abstract concepts that confuse and consume our minds. a caveman's hierarchy of needs is probably a lot simpler than ours, and i envy that so much.
