idk why this took me so long to post, i guess i just needed to wait for the right moment.
i miss everyone i’ve ever met. i think we all know that by now. whenever someone leaves my life, i always leave a light on for them. “i’m an open door”, or whatever Ana and her little psychotic boyfriend were singing about. i don’t like to lose people. every time i meet someone, i think they’re gonna be in my life forever in some way or another. a little naive, i know, but before college i had never necessarily lost friends; we just naturally grew apart due to distance, but if anyone of those people (or me) picked up the phone and texted, the other would respond like we just didn’t not talk for over 8 months. once i got to college, i experienced actual friend breakups.
my most recent was definitely the hardest because we had been friends for so long, and they were a person that i truly thought (and still do think) that we’d grow to together forever. like i don’t know if this is a good or bad indicator of a friendship but we never had any fights or disagreements up until right before the breakup. that’s not to say that either of us was wrong for feeling what we did in that moment, but i was just surprised because we’ve never been like that before. there was never a moment that i doubted the solidity of our relationship.
i’m not gonna get into the weeds of the fight because one, it’s not something that only happened to me, and two, there’s no point. i find it pointless to talk about because i dont think either us were our best selves then. i’ve grown, i’ve been told that they have too, so lets keep it pushing. back to regularly scheduled activities. i don’t know… i have a lot of mixed feelings so i think maybe i just try to avoid the topic altogether. it hurt a lot and i was angry and sad for a long time. of course the anger was simply a facade for how gut-wrenchingly upsetting this breakup was for me. i felt betrayed by my one of closest friends, i didn’t know what to think or feel or do. i was also going through a romantic breakup too at the time… but that was nothing compared to this. it was like getting stung by a bee while being mauled by a bear, i was not stressing about it. say what you want about that, but my friendships matter a lot more to me than romantic entities and it took me a long time to realize that. and i made a lot of mistakes in not recognizing that sooner, so i’m making up for it and unapologetically putting my friends above all else. and it feels really good to do that.
anyway, i saw them for the first time since our last conversation MONTHS ago at a bday party for our friend. i had a suspicion that i would’ve but i pushed it away again and again to calm my nerves. let me tell you this party was fucking insane for me. i had 3 presumed opps that were there, 2 of which are confirmed opps. like i was stresssed. another mutual friend of ours had let me know that Person-I-Hadnt-Talked-To-In-Months was coming to the party 30 minutes before they arrived. i was scared. one thing about me, imma bitch; i will run and hide and tuck my tail. i’m trying to better about that, that’s really cringe and conflict-avoidant of me, but i was scared. it had been months since we talked, i didn’t know how they were feeling or where they were at in processing the breakup either. what if they were still mad? what if they harbored resentment towards me? like what if we were really done for?
well, i mean, we weren’t, but just the thought was nerve-racking enough. to make a long story of awkward events short, we ended up talking that night and it just felt like…. it felt like just today when i was finally determined to find this picture of the coordinates of my Minecraft house that i took about a year ago. in my world, i had traveled too far in search of different biomes and large cave systems. i had gotten myself lost and i was thousands of blocks away from my house. my house that i put so much love and effort in to building so beautifully. she’s gorgeous guys, i gotta put a picture of her in here, i love my house. anyway, i had stopped playing Minecraft because i had lost everything, literally months of work. then, today, i came home from work, smoked, and said, “this is the day i get my house back.” and holy shit, when i finally found that damn, dumb picture of my tv in my old dorm with the home coordinates on it, i could’ve cried. i could finally start playing again, i could finish the beautiful thing i had been building until it’s done. don’t get me wrong, i love my home and it’s beautiful as is but it’s still due for some expansions. but i digress, i just thought this moment for me was analogous to my relationship with my old friend. it feels so good to be back home.
ALSO!!! My Minecraft home!!
