i’m back lol. i just gotta keep coming back now. the walking dead has fully consumed my entire attention span and i’ve just recently broken free from its spell. it has 11 seasons, i’m on season 6 as of today, i started watching it last tuesday… so yeah. it’s not even that the show is particularly good or anything, i’ve just been yearning for new to watch. something new and exciting to hold my attention because i feel like i have nothing else to do. grad school and living alone have kinda made me a chronically online hermit. i don’t socialize nearly as much as i used to and i think my social skills are suffering because of it.
i’ve become comfortable with talking to people online and only about 4 people in person. talking to people online is easy, so its not as intimidating. i can engage and disengage as i please, i have time to think ab proper responses to conversation, i don’t have to worry about missing physical social cues or eye contact. it’s just easier. the 4 people that i almost exclusively see on a regular basis feel like my caretakers and i’m an injured, orphaned fawn. my view of the world is them, anything outside of them is intimidating so much so that it’s hard for me to branch out without them. it hasn’t always been like this, just recently. past few months or so, enough time for me to lose a substantial amount of my people skills. new people come up to me and i freeze, my palms start sweating and my mind begins to race. the words that come out of my mouth make little to no sense and i’m constantly scanning the person’s body for nonverbal cues while simultaneously trying to make the appropriate amount of eye contact. i can’t hear anything their saying because i’m too focused on focusing to listening to them and struggle to connect, struggle to think. i think people recognize this and decide to leave me alone, i don’t know how to mask that better.
it’s quite pathetic if you ask me. it very much gives this tweet –> don’t worry, i’m working to overcome it. i’m not gonna be this way forever, i can’t. i just gotta figure out how to talk to people again. it’s funny because i’ve always been in opposition to the idea that i have anxiety but boy is my nervous system proving me wrong.
Relevant Data
So here’s a list of my recent social interactions that haven’t gone so well in my terms.
| Event/Place | Offense | What a Normal Person Would’ve Done |
|---|---|---|
| Big, Cold Picnic | Looking at someone’s lips while they’re talking because i was trying to eavesdrop and couldn’t listen to both at once | Respectfully would’ve held conversation while their phone was recording the other conversation of interest to play back laters |
| My Local Dollar General | Carrying out unwanted, awkward conversations with the new cashier | Never go back to that Dollar General no matter how convenient it is |
| Happy Hour Crafting | Stood awkwardly near my friend while she engaged in conversation with people she knew | Not have acted like that. |
| Big, Cold Picnic | Followed a person on Instagram that morning that was at the picnic and proceeded to not acknowledge the follow or person until it was brought up because the anxiety of having to explain why i followed them randomly that morning was too much. Then when it was time to explain why I followed them, I said, “I saw you on my friend’s Instagram story” like some creep. | Never would’ve had social media in the first place to be put in this situation. |
| Emo Rave | Went to the rave, not in emo attire (but that part is not necessarily embarrassing) and waited alone for a group of people I had just met for 30 minutes while standing in a corner babying my drink. The drink wasn’t enough to calm my fight or flight so I left and as I’m leaving I see one of the people part of the group I was waiting to arrive. We recognize each other, brief greeting, and I proceed to get in my car and go home. | Socialized probably |
that’s all im willing to share for now. the rest is too embarrassing to think about. i might update this list in a future post but hopefully i won’t have to. once again, it’s boypuppy. thanks for reading, sorry for my inactivity.
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