“My house says to me, “Do not leave me, for here dwells your past.” And the road says to me, “Come and follow me, for I am your future.” And I say to both my house and the road, “I have no past, nor have I a future. If I stay here, there is a going in my staying; and if I go there is a staying in my going. Only love and death will change all things.”
― Khalil Gibran
i feel bad. but i also feel really good. it’s a daily shuffle between the two honestly. i feel like i should feel more good than bad. i feel like i don’t have right to be depressed most days because i feel so much love from my friends and family. i feel like that should be enough, but its not. i feel like something is missing. i think that maybe i am the missing piece. i feel like i should love myself more, be gentler with myself, be nicer.
i feel like i’m starting down a good path to this though. i started going to the gym recently. even after just a few days, i feel the difference in attitude towards life and what it feels like to put myself as the center of my life. it feels really good. i hate that the shit all those mental health gurus on the internet is true. waking up at 7 am everyday and going to the gym, journaling, staying away from drugs; all that shit helps. actually the last part of that i take back, drugs do work. it may be temporary, but it helps regardless. i know sometime in the near future i will realize how poorly temporary distractions work for me. again.
lately, i’ve been feeling every rejection wound i’ve ever gotten. it’s like having aching scars begging to be scratched at and reopened. i feel like this time around, i’m strong enough to not scratch at them. i don’t know whats triggering these though. that’s a lie. i know exactly why. i’ve been rejected. by a person i really like. i feel like i want to abandon all dignity and self-respect i have and beg and plead for them to like me back. for them to see me in the same light i see them. i feel like i want to bend and twist myself to the point of being unrecognizable, into someone i’m not, just to be the object of their desire. then i feel like i need to stand the fuck up. stand up for myself, have some shred of self-respect and preservation. i feel like i don’t want to feel hurt so I’ll do anything to offset that feeling, but i also feel like maybe it’s time i stop running from painful emotions. sit and feel them for once, no matter how bad.
i feel guilty a lot. i’m not exactly sure what most days. i just wake up with a general feeling of guilt. i’ve felt suicidal lately which i haven’t felt in a long time, so that’s new. i feel afraid of myself some days. what i’m capable of when i’m alone. i feel scared to be alone, so i’ve been filling my days with activities with friends. at the end of the day though, when i finally get home and have moments alone with my thoughts, i feel like its all a distraction. i don’t know how to be happy when i’m alone. i’m working on it. this helps.
i feel powerless to my addiction. i bought a vape today and feel disgusted with myself, a little ashamed. why can’t i be strong enough to kick this thing? i feel powerless in a lot of aspects of my life right now, i’m sure that bled through to the physical and that’s why i bought a vape. to feel like i’m gaining some power back, but i’m just subcumming to old habits that i know will make me feel good temporarily. temporary distractions.
i feel mad. upset with myself that i can’t set healthy boundaries. with myself or others. i feel pissed that i can’t respect myself more. i feel dumb that i’m so pathetic and such a whore for validation, i let people change me. i feel dumb for changing myself just to be liked, i want to stop. slowly, i’m getting there. that i feel for certain, but i’m not where i want to be.
i feel every connection i’ve ever had with someone, and i feel what it was like when they left my life. i feel a desire to grasp onto every single person in my life so tightly they cant leave. i hate when people leave, but i’m learning to cope with that too. i feel like i need to start being the person to leave. i let people consistently cross my boundaries, show me they don’t care about me, and i stay. stupidly chasing something that will never be there. i need to leave. easier said than done. how do you deal with the absence of someone?
i feel like i feel too deeply. so deep it consumes my mind and eventually leaks out everywhere making a mess of anything i touch. i don’t feel like that’s a bad thing though, just something i need to control better. i need to build something for myself that catches my leaks or work out a system that prevents the leaks all together. i feel so deeply, it make me feel crazy. i feel like i wanna cry; all the time. i feel like this vessel god gave me was too small for the emotions he gave me to carry. i feel like i don’t have an outlet for any of them, positive and negative. i don’t know….
i feel like i wanna be self-destructive. i feel like i wanna pierce and tattoo my body to the point of no recognition. i feel so badly like i want to change but i know no means to do so i change my appearance. it doesn’t work by the way. it just makes me hotter which is nice but it doesn’t fix anything. i feel like i wanna throw myself at random grindr men who don’t care if i live or die just to feel something other than…. bad. but i always quickly realize hooking up with random men will indefinitely make me feel worse, so i sit. at the end of the day, i just want to have my hair stroked and someone to hold me. men can’t give that to me, i think that women can, but i need to realize that it needs to be me who does it before anyone else can. i need to be the one i come home to at the end of the day and lick my wounds from the day.
most of all, out of everything that i said, i want to feel happy. i’m trying really hard to get there. so this has been depressing… huh? lol. I’ll end off by listing things that do make me happy. i feel happy when i hang out with my friends. i feel love when i look at my cat, so much love. i feel grateful for the position that i’m at in life and i feel eternally grateful to whatever force that made it possible for me to get my ass in grad school. i feel optimistic towards the future and i think i’m capable of doing great things. i feel like i’m heading down the road i was destined to and it feels good even if i feel lost at times that’s just a part of the journey. i feel like I’m building closer connections with people i’ve wanted to and that feels good. i feel like i’m finally becoming a person again and i’m proud that i’m the one getting myself there. i feel like wanting to be happy is a good start to being happy. last thing i feel is even though i’m sad, even though i feel so many negative things, it makes feeling happy all the more worth it. you can’t know happiness if all other emotions are nonexistent. i feel good, right now i feel good.