i’ve re-implemented a coping mechanism that i’m not really sure if it helps or not, but it helps so i guess that’s all that really matters. like that’s the point? to help you cope right? i guess what i mean by “works” is if its healthy or not… which has been a big concern for me. whether the ways in which i cope are healthy or not. i’ve been trying to keep that in check because sometimes i’m just enabling myself or engaging in self-destructive behaviors. but, anyways, the coping mechanism i’ve reinstated is just counting lol. i count to the highest number i can until all i’m thinking about is the next number and nothing else.
my counting method, i use whenever i have these uncontrollable sobbing fits and my brain is overloaded with negative thoughts. i’m kinda bad at counting and keeping track of my count, so this exercise puts my brain to work on something other than… bad. i started only counting it in my head, but i think it works a lot better when you count out loud. something about breath control or whatever.
today i got 319. which i thought was really good but then i remembered i didn’t start counting until like 8 minutes into this fit. I’ll still take my W though because it worked and that’s the important part. it was set off, my little fit ig, because i think a recent conflict i had hit an abandonment wound, and i was ashamed because i reverted back to old habits in this conflict and completely shut down at one point. it’s so fucking weird. it’s like i have this opossum reflex where when any conversation begins to feel more like an argument or like i’m in trouble, i just clam up and freeze. i could get into why i think i do it, but eh that’s not really the point of the post. not like there is a point to begin with lol. i guess other than being a hobby that makes me happy, but i digress. it’s just a weird thing i do and i’ve worked really hard the past 4 years to fix it, and I’m starting to see progress :)) except for today… it did a lil sneak attack on me.
i got my eyebrow pierced. i got it like a week ago at this point, it’s feeling really good and i think it looks great. another coping mechanism, piercings and tattoos. i just like looking good though honestly. some people might think it’s like a self-harm thing but it’s not about the pain. i couldn’t give a single fuck about the pain, i just like looking hot. all i’m thinking is, “i gotta update my character.” i think what worries me about it being healthy or not though, is that i always do them when i’m not feeling my best. none of them were ever well-planned, i just got em. it’s not like i regret any of them though… well one but who cares. i miss my tongue piercing, but if i went to get it pierced again that would be my third time getting pierced in the same area. and i don’t feel great about that considering i’ve probably built up some nice scar tissue. i weally want to doe. thinking about it more and more every day.
this song came on and i just really like it. it’s too short like all good music. except for “pyramids” and “me and your mama” and “stars.” hm, maybe i just think every song should be more than 5 minutes long. anyway, it’s a song that resonated a lot with me.
i could type more, but i’m high and a little tired so i’ll stop here. i wish i could be more light-hearted on here, i’ll make my next post a happy, silly, goofy one.
-welp, until next post, boypuppy.